An Update

Well I survived the trip to Myrtle Beach, though it was rather uncomfortable for me. For those who didn’t know, it is Jay’s annual family trip with his siblings, parents, cousins, etc. For a whole week. This is the 6th year I’ve gone. I brought some work with me and walked on the beach a lot but the week dragged on so slowly and I felt awkward and awful the whole time. We haven’t told his family anything yet; he is still holding out hope that I will change my mind but honestly at this point I don’t know if he could say or do anything to make that happen. He did actually play with Luke on the trip instead of abandoning us to play golf every single day, for a change.

I am so emotionally drained; he goes back and forth between being angry at me to being sad to being determined to “make it work”. I never know what I’ll be facing when I see him at home or when he calls at work. I just want it all to be over but I know that there is a long drawn-out process looming in the future and it is especially daunting at times. I am worried about custody and hoping like mad that I can afford to buy him out of the townhome. He has stated numerous times that he doesn’t like the area where we live and he doesn’t want to stay there.

Since I have made the decision, though, I have felt at peace for the first time in years. That doesn’t mean I am happy about it, because I am not. It’s a horrible decision to make and I feel so guilty about it. I just cannot stay the way things are, though, and I fear that I have so much resentment built up that I wouldn’t be able to stay even if there was change. I haven’t started the process yet; it is so hard to make that first step. At least we’ve talked about it some now so it is in his head and we’re past that initial shock. I know that things will get better eventually but knowing how much worse they’ll be between now and then is hard.

I haven’t stitched must in the past couple weeks; for the first time in over 6 years I just haven’t felt motivated. It’s wierd.

Well, so that’s how things are with me. Work is busy, which is good. At least my mind is occupied throughout the day. I have found that my friends are amazing and I am truly blessed in that regard. I know that I can get through this all but the road ahead is not an easy one. I will likely be posting sporadically, if at all, but I’ll be checking my e-mail and ezinbox at least. It’s just hard to know what to say or how to contribute to normal conversations when my life is so upside down right now.

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13 Responses to “An Update”

  1. Karen Says:

    Hang in there Jill! Keep moving forward. There are wonderful things ahead. Just take it moment by moment for now, but hold that image in your mind of better, happier, brighter days, and you will surely find them. : )

  2. Christine Says:

    Jill, I’d been thinking about you and wondering how you are. I forgot that you would be away for a week. I was going to send you an email when I got home tonight.

    I’m so sorry you have to go through all of this but your happiness is so important!! You know I’ll be here if you ever need to talk or vent. Take care of yourself!

  3. Goldie Says:

    {{{Jill}}} I’ve been thinking about you and Luke, just didn’t want to bother you. Be sure and take care of yourself for YOU and your son. I’m here for you. BTW, have you checked out Chatelaine’s new mandala garden???? 🙂

  4. Melissa Says:

    Thinking of you, as usual. I’m here if you need *anything*!

  5. Darla Says:

    Oh, goodness! I’d forgotten about the Myrtle Beach trip, and have been worried because I hadn’t seen you on line. {{{Jill}}}

  6. Jenny Says:

    ((Jill))I’m so sorry, and I know this must be so hard. I’ve been thinking about you too and praying that things work out for the best for you and for Luke. ((hugs)) and I’ll keep praying for you.

  7. Rani Says:

    I’m thinking about you. *hugs*

  8. Michelle Says:

    Jill, I don’t know you, just ran across your blog by chance, but I am already concerned for you and your son. Good wishes to you.
    Not to give you anything more to worry about BUT – having been in a VERY similar situation – I saw the angry outbursts and childish temper tantrums turn into a VERY ugly thing in the court, especially over the kids.
    And, not to make it worse, but mine was a golfer as well and he knew some VERY nasty, very vindictive atty’s he met on the course that were willing to work for nothing for him just because they had also been in the same situation and got – what they feel was – screwed by their x.
    I will be praying for you.

  9. Michelle Says:

    Hi. Thank you for the comments! I am on EZboard … mmshelle01 … but I haven’t really done anything there yet other than the twbb. Still trying to figure out the ‘stitching world’. :o)

  10. Susan Says:

    {{{Jill}}} – you and Luke continue to be in my thoughts. You know that I’m here for you, as are your other friends. Hang in there!

  11. Debi Says:

    Just here to offer you some hugs and good wishes… {{{Jill & Luke}}}

  12. KariA1 Says:

    {{Jill}} Hang in there.

  13. Shalini Says:

    {{Jill}} Hang in there. We’re there for you!

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